Wow.. Really? Seriously?

So, I've done a little self reflection on my self on the last few days.

I didn't have any human contact with anyone besides my family the whole weekend. A little bit of a reflection of how I acted in the last few weeks.

And then I kinda figured out why I' always in the shitty mood.

The anexity of the immease pressure put on me.

As most first borns are cursed with, is the total and complete responsibility of .. well, basically everything.

Such as:

-being a prime example for younger siblings.
-sharing responsibility of the house.
-maintain grade point average.

And being a child of immigrant parents, these responsibilities are doubled.

Such as:
-being the Chinese to English translator/ dictionary.
-reading and understanding the bills that come in.
-cancelling the cable and /or phone service.
-ordering pizza.

And then I've looked at how I treated my parents, I kinda understand why they are as agitated as they are.

When I refuse to do something for them, it hurts them a little. Because if they can't ask their own daughter, who are they going ask then?

Well that is in my dad's case.

After tonight's conversation with him, I guess I kind of understand where he's coming from.

He did leave all HIS family to come to America with my mom. And then I think about it, my mom is being a little bitch about the whole thing. She so insensitive to his feelings too.

Now I'm not saying he's a saint; oh hell no, he's the furthest thing form it. But my mom has to understand that he basically has no one here. Atleast she's got her family to support her; my dad only has me and my sister. Can't she get this concept.

I mean, it would've been the same if my mom sayed in Hong Kong with no one.

Now, I'm not sure why, but a little war is erupting in my house.

My parents weren't meant to be together; somewhere along the years the marriage turned sour. Be it my dad cheating or my mom's insensitive nature to agree with everything her side of the family says like a mindless drone; it got sour. Very sour.

Like always, an arguement broke out and then my dad just went to another room with some wine. My mom told me to check up on him, which me and my sister did.

We talked.

He let me know what he was feeling. My mom did the same before. Am I cut out for pyschology?

All these new perspectives came out.

It was probably then I figured it out; I been going at it all wrong.

This shit that's been going on, it accumilated during the years.

They are both scared that it will hurt me and my sister if they split.

Then when we came back up, my mom wanted to know. Now I don't tell my dad ANYTHING my mom told me. So I didn't tell her ANYTHING my dad told me. It was a respect of privacy.

But I guess that didn't sit well with my mom. Cause then she got all mad at me. Calling something in Chinese (traitor, maybe?). Then proceeded to ignore and went to sleep.

Look, as you can see from a certain past blog I did about another certain person, that shit doesn't sit well with me (LOL, Jess's line xD ). I don't play that shit. So She shouldn't expect it to work.

I understand why she's mad; maybe I was kind of a stress reliever and she trusted me not to tell my dad. But she has to understand this, that works both ways. My lips are sealed.

....


... But I wonder, if my dad and my mom could come to me about these things, how come I can't go to them about the shit's that plays in my mind?

I don't like bothering people for anything (unless it's my friends xD). I try to figure shit out myself, solve my own fucking problems. Rely on myself. It's been like that since... forever.

The Chinese customs that were taught to me are probably holding me back? I shouldn't keep everything to myself. It's not healthy.

Thanks a lot, Confusious.