Little Girl In The BIG Apple

MOVED!!!

2009-05-04T18:46:00.001-04:00

Moved to : http://littlegirlinthebigapple.wordpress.com/

MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!! MOVED!!

YAY :D Byebye~!

And the Heart Grows Weaker. . .

2009-04-07T23:44:00.003-04:00

I don't understand why human hearts are so fucking fickle.

Maybe it's the age we live in, where cheating is a day to day thing. No big deal?

I hate this bullshit I have to go through right after I take a step in this God forsaken house. So much pressure to be this great daughter, kept together even this fucking family doesn't put ONE FUCKING effort into imporving.

I feel I'm getting older, my spirit is deteriorating. I can't hold this family together bymyself. I'm only a child; A child doesn't try to keep everyone up to pace.

Maybe I should be a little more carefree. Like I don't give a shit.

But I can't. I really can't.

I can't help but feel like I HAVE to do this, I can't just leave it for other people; I have to do it myself because that's the only way I get the result I want.

I got into this big fight with my dad the other night over the phone. He was in another country at the time and he would call home every night. But on that day, he didn't.

My mom and I got worried, calling his phone just to go straight to voicemail. My mom looked for relatives' phone numbers, dialing them to find where in the fuck he was.

And when we call my grandma's house, asked everyone, noone would tell us. NOONE. And then the guy that was about to tell us, got yelled at by the oldbag and all we heard was the dial tone.

Now, why? What could possibly be so fucking important that you couldn't even FUCKING TELL ME WHERE MY DAD IS?!

So I was haing a fucking heartattack at home, fretting over my dad's saftey. Calling back, my aunt picked up the phone and told us he was in the homeland. Not only that, but my grandma was cursing my mom out in the background.

Now how fucking hard was that? You couldn't just tell us? My grandma pisses me off. I even said, that I'll fly there just to break her fucking legs and wring her fucking neck. Bitch, I haven't seen you in four years, don't play that shit with me.

Then the MIA-ing one finally decides to call. Not so much of a sorry, he started to accuse my mom of checking up on him.

Yea, cause we have fucking time to find out what the fuck you're doing. Who the fuck does this shit? Three days before you're coming back and you pull this kind of shit.

So that was base of our arguement. Seriously, he didn't think we'll be concerned? You're in the semi- third world village in China and you think we wouldn't be worried?

And he was saying all this shit about being brainedwashed by my mom. Oh, fuck you. I was sitting right next to her, frantic. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?

Exactly.

I just spilled everything. Well, almost everything.

Like why the fuck none of our relatives would tell us where he was. Why he didn't believe us and how he scared us. Also, IF he did tell my mom, she forgot. Is that a fucking crime. He doesn't even know when my birthday is probably, just the month.

Then it got more and more personal. Bringing my mom in this shit was the last fucking straw. Saying that she was just calling just to know every detail of his life.

Fuck, no.

If it was up to her, your ass would've been in the street. Okay, so get your shit straight.

So then I told him.

I don't trust him. I don't understand why they couldn't just tell me. I was going to break grandma's legs. And if he called my mom a lunatic for caring about his well being, then fine, I'm a lunatic too.

And I hung up and that was that. Of course a lot of screaming, tears, and emotions were included.

Honestly, I haven't forgiven him. I say I did, but I didn't. I don't think I ever could. He's like a stranger to me, I don't know this man. He's not the dad I knew.

Now he's back and told me secretly that my mom might have another man in her life after he goes and work in another state. Well I'm not exactly surprised, if I had to take this shit, I would too, but I don't buy it. My mom's old. There can't possibly be one.

But if there is, I don't think my mom and I would be this close anymore. I can't take that shit, growing up in a ..somewhat loving family, I can't take this kind of trauma again.

Ugh, I hate being the oldest child. I want to be small and not give a damn about the world. Ignorance in bliss after all.

I worry for my mental health sometimes. I don't need this stress and sense of responsiblity I put on myself. Even my mom said that after I broke down.

Wow.. Really? Seriously?

2009-03-08T22:58:00.002-04:00

So, I've done a little self reflection on my self on the last few days.

I didn't have any human contact with anyone besides my family the whole weekend. A little bit of a reflection of how I acted in the last few weeks.

And then I kinda figured out why I' always in the shitty mood.

The anexity of the immease pressure put on me.

As most first borns are cursed with, is the total and complete responsibility of .. well, basically everything.

Such as:

-being a prime example for younger siblings.
-sharing responsibility of the house.
-maintain grade point average.

And being a child of immigrant parents, these responsibilities are doubled.

Such as:
-being the Chinese to English translator/ dictionary.
-reading and understanding the bills that come in.
-cancelling the cable and /or phone service.
-ordering pizza.

And then I've looked at how I treated my parents, I kinda understand why they are as agitated as they are.

When I refuse to do something for them, it hurts them a little. Because if they can't ask their own daughter, who are they going ask then?

Well that is in my dad's case.

After tonight's conversation with him, I guess I kind of understand where he's coming from.

He did leave all HIS family to come to America with my mom. And then I think about it, my mom is being a little bitch about the whole thing. She so insensitive to his feelings too.

Now I'm not saying he's a saint; oh hell no, he's the furthest thing form it. But my mom has to understand that he basically has no one here. Atleast she's got her family to support her; my dad only has me and my sister. Can't she get this concept.

I mean, it would've been the same if my mom sayed in Hong Kong with no one.

Now, I'm not sure why, but a little war is erupting in my house.

My parents weren't meant to be together; somewhere along the years the marriage turned sour. Be it my dad cheating or my mom's insensitive nature to agree with everything her side of the family says like a mindless drone; it got sour. Very sour.

Like always, an arguement broke out and then my dad just went to another room with some wine. My mom told me to check up on him, which me and my sister did.

We talked.

He let me know what he was feeling. My mom did the same before. Am I cut out for pyschology?

All these new perspectives came out.

It was probably then I figured it out; I been going at it all wrong.

This shit that's been going on, it accumilated during the years.

They are both scared that it will hurt me and my sister if they split.

Then when we came back up, my mom wanted to know. Now I don't tell my dad ANYTHING my mom told me. So I didn't tell her ANYTHING my dad told me. It was a respect of privacy.

But I guess that didn't sit well with my mom. Cause then she got all mad at me. Calling something in Chinese (traitor, maybe?). Then proceeded to ignore and went to sleep.

Look, as you can see from a certain past blog I did about another certain person, that shit doesn't sit well with me (LOL, Jess's line xD ). I don't play that shit. So She shouldn't expect it to work.

I understand why she's mad; maybe I was kind of a stress reliever and she trusted me not to tell my dad. But she has to understand this, that works both ways. My lips are sealed.

....

... But I wonder, if my dad and my mom could come to me about these things, how come I can't go to them about the shit's that plays in my mind?

I don't like bothering people for anything (unless it's my friends xD). I try to figure shit out myself, solve my own fucking problems. Rely on myself. It's been like that since... forever.

The Chinese customs that were taught to me are probably holding me back? I shouldn't keep everything to myself. It's not healthy.

Thanks a lot, Confusious.

Cause I just SNAPPED.

2009-03-05T21:54:00.003-05:00

Liberate
lib·er·ate
tr.v. lib·er·at·ed, lib·er·at·ing, lib·er·ates
1. To set free, as from oppression, confinement, or foreign control.

I can't stand being in this house. It's suffocating.

I hate my family to an extent of just leaving. I can't deal with this fucking drama. I want to just leave for college and maybe never come back.

I hate my life. Not that gay emo shit 'I hate my life, woe is me.' No.

I have endured and endured so much this late two years. And I can't fucking take this shit. This shit has been bothering me for the longest time and I couldn't even tell my CLOSEST friends anything.

I hate going to school every fucking day with this fake ass smile.

I hate my family. My parents make me sick. They can be cool but so fucking fake lately. I can't fucking look at them.

I ... I just want to sleep. And just not wake up.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just died. But hopefully not a painful death.

But then I think, Why me? They fucked up.

THEY THINK THEY'RE IN PAIN RIGHT NOW? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

This shit has been taking a toll on me lately. I have been experiencing a lot of anexity lately. Sometimes, my chest starts hurting.

And I've been picking a lot of fights with them lately. I'm easily agitated.

They're not making it better. All my parents like to do is put immese pressure on me. Ridiculous pressures.

"Let's fuck with Erica and tell her what a total bitch she is.

She should be a fucking better example for her little sister.

She's so stupid!"

Seriously? Do I look like I need this shit at home?

It's so awkward with the both of them home. Wait- Can you actually call this hell hole a home? It's not even liveable.

I think have the right to let loose right now, after what bullshit they had put on my in the last few months.

My dad's a cheater, I know it. And I hate him for it.

Is it bad for me to start disliking stupid girls that emo about not being with a certain boy that's half way around the world? Oh well, too late.

And I 've noticed something else too, I don't have many REAL friends. A few but that's enough. I have a lot of fake ass friends. I'm envious, yes. How come I can't have so many friends?

But I'm fine. A little self conscious. But I'm fine. Whew~

Retribution
ret⋅ri⋅bu⋅tion
–noun
1.requital according to merits or deserts, esp. for evil.

Fuck You Sharon Stone& Your Sorry Excuse Of KARMA

2008-11-09T02:37:00.003-05:00

Morals? That must be something that people are missing in the age we live in.

Cause celebreties are fucking useless and displaying signs of the lack of culture and beliefs.

Sharon Stone is a fucking bitch.

Remember that earthquake in Sichuan, China that happened like five minths ago? Yea. That one where 80,000 people died.

80,000. That's more than how much this bitch could count.

Remember that remark about China and Tibet and karma? Yea that one. Like out of nowhere I remembered it. And then I got all angry.

Can you really get this heartless? Is this really humanly possible to even label it that?

Apparently it is. Sharon Stone accomplished it. Great job, bitch. You just showed the world you are the lowest of low being out there.

Labeling innocent childrens death karma? What did they ever do to deserved this? They were only children, what have they witnessed? What could've they possibly done?

Kill a dog? Fight Tibetians? Made bombs?

NO.

They went to school. Like children! They just happen to go to school one day and have the ground rumble and the building to fall on them, causing their death. So what have they done to deserve this?

Some say she directed this to the government. I've tried looking at it that way, but every way I've looked at it, it always came out like this; The Chinese government deserved to have that earthquake, they desevered to suffer the deaths because they treated Tibetians like shit for too long!

So, Ms. Stone, they desevered to have all these deaths because they treated Tibetians like shit? So you're saying that just because they have, oh I don't know, treated them badly, that those people deserved to die? All 80,000 of them?

Well you know what Ms. Stone? I say your philosophy is shit.

Why?

Karma, taken in this perspective, is use to "boomerang" back to the sinners. So let's take to the US. Since we all have something in common, Ms. Stone.

So Ms. Stone, was Katrina karma as well? Like how we went to war with the Middle East? How we are, kind of, treating them like shit too? I mean, we have been bombing them, taking their land, killing their people.

And how about 9/11? Karma as well Ms. Stone? Was it because Bush ignored all tell-tale signs of terrorism? Was it because we treated them like shit before too? A lot of people, but I guess if it's karma and we are repenting for something, it's all good?

No, Ms. Stone? Not Karma? But we've done so many bad things! Natural occurances? Terrorism? Not Karma at all?

No way Ms. Stone!

Get the balls to admit, if you take the Sichuan earthquake in that context you are taking everything else in that context. Because think about, we've did something to set up this chain.

Dalai Lama is your friend, huh? Did he teach you that compassion shouldn't be present at a time of tradgedy because the government in bad? Lovely teachings, tell him good job.

Oh no, someone didn't do well in Global class. Look at this;

50% of people in Sichuan are of Tibetian descent.

Wow. Guess it really was karma, huh? Right, Sharon? Since the Chinese.. wait this doesn't add up. Tibetian descent?

Now who sent rescue teams in Sichuan? The Chinese government.

Would you look at that, the Chinese government is helping out. Torture? Not really, they are saving, tending to wounds, freeing them form rocks..

What was that, Ms. Stone? They're still Chinese? But they are still Tibetian. They don't count?

Look bitch. they are still Tibetian. Part of them still is.

Look; Asian American, African America, Hispanic America, etc.

What do they all have in common? They are all Americans. So how dare you say they aren't Tibetian.

And think about it, it's been 50 years. People have adapted.

Have you ever been to Sichuan? Look at how the people are doing.

They are happy.

You know what, they want freedom so bad? Give it to them.

I'll give them ... 3 months before they get conquered by someone else.

Land, people is history have and still fight over. So suck it bitch.

Dumbass celebrities should keep their mouth (and legs in Ms.Stone's case) closed. Cause quite frankly, noone gives a flying shit.

And to those fuckers trying to make this into one of those "Well it's Sharon's opinion, so fuck off!" cases- save it.

It might have been her opinion, but this is my opinion on her opinion. So my freedom of speech is still useale. So suck it bitches.

And I guess karma hit her too, cause she didn't get custody of her kid.

It is mean to say I was kind of laughing at it? Maybe. But it was ironic.

-Erica

Friendship, Life and Dangers of Halloween

2008-10-31T23:54:00.002-04:00

So today's Halloween, Happy Halloween!

It might not be by the time I'm done with this and it's posted. (Started @ 11:55pm)

So there's been something bothering the hell out of me this week.

So me and one of my 'Friends' (I guess we aren't now?) got into a fight. Well an indirect fight. Well.. okay well she was mad at me cause I didn't do what she wanted to.

But you wouldn't do it too. When trying to get to a destination during a certain amount of time, would you take a ridiculously long route or the shorter route? They're both supposed to get there anyway.

Of course the shorter route, right? So what I don't get is why she has to be up my ass about this small issue. And think about, I'm responsible for the safty of a certain person, and I don't think transfering was a great idea since either of us had been there before. And supposely, according to my "peeps", I have a good sense of direction.

So I picked the closest thing to it. Which was a good route because it went straight to the place, save for some walking. The other route was to go up the subway line and come back down on a bus. Waste of time much?

So where the hell does she get the balls to get mad at me for not taking that route. Be fucking considerate, you might have to wait in Manhatten for four hours but other people, such as myself and the one I'm responsible for, has to be home at a certain time. So I clearly don't have fucking time for your dilly-daddling.

And guess what, when we fucking took that route she got fucking pissed. You know what, by then I had already had enough of that shit. I could tell she was pissed when we got on the downtown 6 train. And I'm sure as hell she could tell I was pissed when we first got on the uptown W train.

And it wasn't even a long walk from the station to the restuarant. It was only three avenues. Fucking hell, like 6 blocks? And she wanted to take a bus?! There wasn't a bus stop in sight! God forbid we have listened to her. Shit, yo.

And it wasn't like she planned this fucking trip. My friend that was treating us was. And the food was FREE. And that bitch had the audacity to say the food wasn't good?! That just wasn't right. Fucking beggers can't be choosers, and if they do choose, it should be in thought bubble. Disrespectful bitch.

I've lost all respect for her after this. Fuck it, I'm over it. It just bothers me if I don't bitch about it for a couple of days.

Whew, so :D

Halloween,.. this year was fucking scary.

It was the gang initiation day. And this year's target- girls. Scary.

There have been slashes. This shit is real. Two people (to my knowledge) have been killed.

That bothers me.

And it's not even the deaths, it's why people even WANT to join. I'm not sure. And I'm too scared to find out. Even I have my limits.

Is getting a job that hard that you need to survive like this? It probably is. But the methods are a bit macarbe.

Seriously. Doesn't it occur to them that they are killing someone's child, parent, lover,sibling? And taking revenge isn't even an option when dealing with these people.

Maybe this is something over my head but, if they were finacially fine, steady job, good community? And then they receive that ONE phone call from the hospital. Their kid, age of 10, still a baby, was murdered and raped. And for what? So some asshole could get into a gang?

Or maybe that was your wife of 13 years, slashed and gang raped by dumb 14 year olds that want to reckon with danger?

Or your dad, almost the age of 74, was beatened and stabbed so a couple of misfits want to play with guns and have "homies"?

Or that could've been you, driving home from work so you can go trick-or-treating for the first time with your two year old. So you can take your wife out for Valentine's Day. So you can make it before they started Christmas dinner, only to have some punkass shoot you, beat you down , take your money before you could even pull up in the drive way.

Some punkass that will drench in the glory of killing somebody for the first time in their life. Not even considering the fact that that child will NEVER go trick- or-treating with his dad. Not considering the fact that woman will NEVER know how much you loved her, to very extent of getting her that extremely expensive gold bracelet she's been eyeing for months, but never asked you for. Not considering the fact that you'll won't be able to be with the family in the Winter and NEVER being able to celebrate it because it was the day SOME MOTHER FUCKING PUNKASS DECIDED YOU WERE THE TARGET. THE DAY WHERE SOME PUNKASS WAS GOING TO EXCHANGED HIS LIFE SO HE COULD LOSE HIS FASTER. SOME MOTHER FUCKER THAT NEVER CONSIDERED THE FACT THAT HE FUCKED UP SOMEONE ELSE'S FAMILY SO HE COULD BE IN A GANG!

And I'm sure they know who they are because they took two lives yesterday. And I hope they would regret and feel the guilt until is eats at their sanity. And I hope that justice is served. And, Lord Jesus, I hope that people see that gangs aren't that great and really does take lives.

I hope you can take this perspective and think about it. Because reality really does hurt.

-Erica

Politics Takes Innocence Away.

2008-10-27T19:46:00.002-04:00

Seriously.

So, it's been a long ass time since I updated. Wah. T_T

Well anywho, like I said politics kills the innocence in a child. Once you get into this shit, you can't get out. But then you have to vote for one of them. So you have to learn this shit anyway. My God.

Okay so we have Obama and McCain this year. Great. -__-

And Palin too? Christ.

Okay let me make one thing clear- I fucking hate when people say they'll vote for Obama JUST CAUSE HE'S BLACK. These are the fucking idiots just want a black president. And they should die.

I'm not racist, but I think that is the shittiest reason to vote for someone.

Because once you look into Obama's policies, you could tell most of it ain't happening.

From what I gathered, he wants to pay $4,000 of our college fund. Sounds great ideally but when the numbers come down to it, where is all this money coming from?

And what's this about making taxes higher for the middle class? Aren't we already suffering?

But then we can't forget about McCain. Drilling for more oil? Shouldn't we find another way to power the nation? Nuclear plants.. aren't that great.

I'm pretty sure Palin might just kill McCain if he became prez. LOL, it's possible.

But when it all comes down to it, I think this year had shitty canidates and the crumbling economy isn't helping out at all. Speaking of economy,

What the Fuck happened in Wall Street?

We're looking at a new depression, ladies and gentlemen. And it ain't pretty.

Fucking Bush. He fucked up our country. Or maybe it was his brother's fault for rigging the votes.

Pray for America.

-Erica

Gym, Models, My Opinion

2008-10-07T22:15:00.004-04:00

Well today was entertaining. I actually skipped class today.

Gym class that is. Not. Fucking. IMPORTANT.

So I think you can understand why I skipped. And I'm kind of mad that New York law required four years of gym.

WHY?

Gym is a sorry excuse of a class. It's where mean and cruel people teach because they aren't good at anything but better than McDonalds. UGh.

I could understand two or even three. BUT FOUR. WTF?

Am I the only one that thinks this is ridiculous. Well whatever.

So I have Janice Dickinsons Modeling Agency on right now. Let me make it known right now;

Janice Dickinson is THE most ignorant person out there.

Plus size models, in my opinion, are one of the biggest accomplishments in the fashion industry to date. They are the ones flaunting our insecurites- and they are loving it. And that is what makes a great role model.

Why must a beautiful plus size model be put down because this old hag is stuck in the past? She's so ignorant and I think she just retire and get the fuck out of the world. She calls herself the first supermodel. PSHH.

Bitch, please.

She has no proof to back that shit up.

And I think models shouldn't be stick skinny, like what Ms. Dickinson is doing to her models. They show no curves and if they are too boney- hello! Not very flattering.

And people that think big people can't be beautiful are fucking shallow. Like some of the models in her agency- like herself!

Anyway, away from that for now.

I joined the fashion club today :D

I feel complete. That's all for now

-Erica

A Welcoming and the Sick People of THE Apple of the World

2008-10-06T17:48:00.000-04:00

Hello. I'm Erica and this is not my first blog entry but my first on BLOGSPOT. Yay! So this marks the day I beginning blogging about the issues (and stress) of stress and things that bother me.

No, I didn't just move to New York. I'm a citizen of New York; born and raised, thank you very much :)

I hope my perspective on the capital of the world would give different insights to other people out there.

A little bit about myself:

-I'm a student and I attend High School now. 10th grade. :D
-Born and raised in Brooklyn. Now I go to school everyday in the city.
-Aspiring art student at LaGuardia (the school, silly!)
-Searching for the truth. What is the truth? I'll tell you when I find out.
-I'm lazy and I swear I'll try to blog once a day. (right.)

So that's mostly what I'll tell you. Yes, that's it.

THE ACTUAL BLOG:

So I had to do a art homework for my teacher using text from te newspaper. OKay, I won't get into detail about that (I made a bear :D) and get to the point.

So I came across and article in the NY Daily News and thought it was interesting, so I read it.

And boy, did I start getting angry. And sad.

This poor woman, "Maria" (a fake name to cover her identity), was raped in the subway in Queens. QUEENS! That's a borough away from mine!

I know what you are thinking, so? Well she actualy got to the top of the stairs and saw the booth clerk. Guess what he did.

He stared at her and alerted the authorities.

You're probably thinking : "Isn't that good?" Of course it's good, except for one little detail.

He didn't get out of the booth to help her.

He didn't help her when she was being dragged back down those stairs. He didn't help her as she was screaming when the rapist took her.

He didn't help her! He just stared as this woman screamed for her life.

What a sick son of a bitch. I don't know someone who could just let a person get raped and NOT help them. This booth clerk must have one cold heart.

And that's not all that happened to this woman. The rapist held her over the tracks and threatened to drop her if she wouldn't stop screaming. Even a train passed by and NOBODY helped her.

My question is why?

WHY MTA? Why let a defenceless woman get raped when you know you COULD'VE stopped it? Dispicable.

And then when the police did come, what happened? THey chased the rapist away.... and the rapist GOT AWAY.

He got AWAY!!

OH. My. GOD. Epic fail.

And these are the motherfuckers DEMANDING (as in going on strike) to get a raise. HELL NO. They are getting WAY over their heads. If they think that we, citizens of New York, riders of the MTA, are going to let this slide, you are out of your mind, buddy.

That could've been me. I ride the subway to school everyday. THAT COULD'VE BEEN ME! That could've been a daughter, a mother, a wife. HOW DARE THEY THINK THEY DESERVE A RAISE WHEN THEY CAN'T LOOK OUT FOR THEY'RE RIDERS?!

I've had enough of this shit. I hope "Maria" wins her case. And I hope that booth clerk lives with this event clear in his mind, everyday of his life until he meets his end. And I hope they catch that sick fuck.

They should rethink their priorities before they get another raise, where the hard working taxpayers have to pay their ridiculous wage. And their motto is "Your safety is out first priority". Apparently it wasn't in this case. Shame on you MTA.

For more on this story go to: http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/queens/2008/10/04/2008-10-04_woman_raped_in_queens_subway_forgives_at-2.html?page=0

Thanks for reading my first on Blogspot :D

-Erica