And the Heart Grows Weaker. . .

I don't understand why human hearts are so fucking fickle.

Maybe it's the age we live in, where cheating is a day to day thing. No big deal?

I hate this bullshit I have to go through right after I take a step in this God forsaken house. So much pressure to be this great daughter, kept together even this fucking family doesn't put ONE FUCKING effort into imporving.

I feel I'm getting older, my spirit is deteriorating. I can't hold this family together bymyself. I'm only a child; A child doesn't try to keep everyone up to pace.

Maybe I should be a little more carefree. Like I don't give a shit.

But I can't. I really can't.

I can't help but feel like I HAVE to do this, I can't just leave it for other people; I have to do it myself because that's the only way I get the result I want.

I got into this big fight with my dad the other night over the phone. He was in another country at the time and he would call home every night. But on that day, he didn't.

My mom and I got worried, calling his phone just to go straight to voicemail. My mom looked for relatives' phone numbers, dialing them to find where in the fuck he was.

And when we call my grandma's house, asked everyone, noone would tell us. NOONE. And then the guy that was about to tell us, got yelled at by the oldbag and all we heard was the dial tone.

Now, why? What could possibly be so fucking important that you couldn't even FUCKING TELL ME WHERE MY DAD IS?!

So I was haing a fucking heartattack at home, fretting over my dad's saftey. Calling back, my aunt picked up the phone and told us he was in the homeland. Not only that, but my grandma was cursing my mom out in the background.

Now how fucking hard was that? You couldn't just tell us? My grandma pisses me off. I even said, that I'll fly there just to break her fucking legs and wring her fucking neck. Bitch, I haven't seen you in four years, don't play that shit with me.

Then the MIA-ing one finally decides to call. Not so much of a sorry, he started to accuse my mom of checking up on him.

Yea, cause we have fucking time to find out what the fuck you're doing. Who the fuck does this shit? Three days before you're coming back and you pull this kind of shit.

So that was base of our arguement. Seriously, he didn't think we'll be concerned? You're in the semi- third world village in China and you think we wouldn't be worried?

And he was saying all this shit about being brainedwashed by my mom. Oh, fuck you. I was sitting right next to her, frantic. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?

Exactly.

I just spilled everything. Well, almost everything.

Like why the fuck none of our relatives would tell us where he was. Why he didn't believe us and how he scared us. Also, IF he did tell my mom, she forgot. Is that a fucking crime. He doesn't even know when my birthday is probably, just the month.

Then it got more and more personal. Bringing my mom in this shit was the last fucking straw. Saying that she was just calling just to know every detail of his life.

Fuck, no.

If it was up to her, your ass would've been in the street. Okay, so get your shit straight.

So then I told him.

I don't trust him. I don't understand why they couldn't just tell me. I was going to break grandma's legs. And if he called my mom a lunatic for caring about his well being, then fine, I'm a lunatic too.

And I hung up and that was that. Of course a lot of screaming, tears, and emotions were included.

Honestly, I haven't forgiven him. I say I did, but I didn't. I don't think I ever could. He's like a stranger to me, I don't know this man. He's not the dad I knew.

Now he's back and told me secretly that my mom might have another man in her life after he goes and work in another state. Well I'm not exactly surprised, if I had to take this shit, I would too, but I don't buy it. My mom's old. There can't possibly be one.

But if there is, I don't think my mom and I would be this close anymore. I can't take that shit, growing up in a ..somewhat loving family, I can't take this kind of trauma again.

Ugh, I hate being the oldest child. I want to be small and not give a damn about the world. Ignorance in bliss after all.

I worry for my mental health sometimes. I don't need this stress and sense of responsiblity I put on myself. Even my mom said that after I broke down.